we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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