So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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