We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Randomize
