I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
