We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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