this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Randomize
