I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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