at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
