96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
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