im drinking this country out of the recession.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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