party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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