True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
