Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
