paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
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He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
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Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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