They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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