I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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