Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
