I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
