So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
