she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
