We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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