time to smoke my breakfast
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
