One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Randomize
