My girlfriend figured out who you are.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
