The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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