So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
