I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
21 Ladies Reveal The Sexiest Thing A Man Can Do In A Public Setting
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.