She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods