i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
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she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
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You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.