Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
