Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
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So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
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he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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