ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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