Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My cat gives me a boner
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
