Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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