OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
