saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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