My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
