remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The air was thick with penises
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
How does it feel to date your dad?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
