both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
