I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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