Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
