did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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