sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
