ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Randomize
