You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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