U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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