Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Randomize
