Your tits are I can't wait for
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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