Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
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