he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
