hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
