She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
