I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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