I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I currently don't understand fingers.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
