Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
