we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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