mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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