I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
