I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
