I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize